Life Hacks

This millenium is now 11 years old, and as much as I would've loved to make some comments regarding what we've experienced as a civilization throughout these 11 years, I'm simply not capable of that - in fact, I think this would be a close representation of the final result;



I haven't really comprehended what's been going on around me, in spite of the fact that I've got the entire world by the end of my fingertips. Instead, I've become proficient in the art of efficiency; or, to be more precise, proficient in the art of trying to be more efficient. Through this struggle, which I'm currently still fighting, I've discovered patterns. Variables, that once changed will affect your entire daily routine: I'm talking about THE TERRIBLE VARIABLE:



This is a documented fact, and can be applied to the position of your TV as well:



This ought to be in an episode of NUMB3RS!



Oh well, but the fact stands, and once the possibilities of activities are out of reach from the bed, you will basically BORE YOURSELF TO SLEEP.

...It's brilliant, isn't it?

Son of Seas, Seas of Sons

It's autumn, soon to be winter, and some are thrilled by the fact that we'll all soon be swimming in snow and killed by gnomes.



I, for one, do not applaud the coming of winter, as its freezing winds, wet snow and moody days marks the moment where the act of swimming in the local lake leaves its family friendly image and becomes an extreme sport not to be toyed with. This abrubt change in an image is only seen when a man is ordained as a Catholic priest, and sexually molesting a minor goes from a heinous crime to being God's wish.

But, in its entirety, winter is a pretty damn great season when compared to the single worst of them all (yes, ALL FOUR!); AUTUMN. Yeah, the trees are suddenly beautifully orange, but winter beats that easily by leaving every tree NAKED - winter is basically a drunk uncle at a family party, being extraordinarily inappropiate by tearing everybody's clothes off. Autumn, however, is a bridezilla DEMANDING everybody must wear the same shade of orange to her obviously crappy wedding, where the band only features wind flutes and the wedding cake is made from the dying laughter of freezing children.



As I see it, winter is therefore the lesser of two evils (some might argue that being at an all-orange wedding with a wind flute orchestra sounds infinitely more awesome than attending a family celebration where everybody's naked, but hey, that's just, like, your opinion, man), and why? Winter is EXTREME, a season where the weather simply stops giving a fuck, and starts turning everything into ICE. Autumn, on the other hand, makes that sun shine for you, so you're thinking "Hey, what a great day to go for a run... naked", but little do you know, that the -22 degrees are only a mere cloud away, and a 200mph storm is waiting for you around the corner.



So when you have slipped and used your face to shield your body against the icy pavement, after being chased by a million 9 year olds armed with cautiously prepared snowballs harder than diamonds, all worthwhile a freezing storm is terrorizing your badly covered ears, you may come to think; "this is the worst winter EVER", but just remember... it will never be as bad as the worst autumn.. EVER!

Trick'n'Cheat

Kids are cute, adorable and stupid - well, maby not exactly stupid, more like.. dumb. Stupid is kinda harsh, but damn they're dumb, and that's what makes them cute. At least that what I keep telling myself when I realize just how retarded it is possible to be as a kid. I honestly believed my father's bathrobe was alive and EVIL when I was a wee boy, and this proved to be quite unpractical; to this tiny boy, there was only ONE solution to the problem of being afraid in the night - RUN FRANTICALLY ACROSS THE HALLWAY AND SWANDIVE POCHAHONTAS-STYLE INTO MY PARENT'S BEDROOM ALL WORTHWHILE DESPERATELY TRYING TO DODGE THE IMAGINARY KNIVES MY FATHER'S BATHROBE IS WAVING AT ME WITH ITS SOFT AND EVER SO SMOOTH SLEEVES.



So kids let their fantasy run wild, and as it always goes, people have found ways to make money on this. The best example is the epitome of false advertising for kids; Toy Story - all those years of pretending ones toy was alive, when all of a sudden we're told that it actually is!? But we're simply not allowed to see them prancing around, playing only with themselves!? How sad is it to be told that your toys won't play with you? That your toys are EXCLUDING you from their playful times? That your not COOL enough for your toys? I have to admit, that after the 6th time I exited my room, only to wait for a minute and then kick the door open, SWAT-style, and then see my toys exactly where they were before, I was relieved; but it was a traumatizing experience, and the moment I learned that movies somehow aren't reality.

Breakfast Pirate

It's 2PM, and it's BREAKFAST TIME! (don't judge me, all you saints who actually 'contribute', 'work' or 'learn' - I'm just putting the hours I'm sleeping in my very own SLEEP BANK, and some day, all you sleepdeprived zombies will come crawling, begging me for some of my enormous amount of delicious, soothing and refreshing sleep)

My masterplan

But waking up at this time does NOT save me from the Morning Caveman, where your half naked, barely awaken body's only mean of communication is a series of grunts and throbbling sounds, and the only thing making you aware of the fact that you're awake, is that you haven't been eaten by a giant bat yet.

So basically, we're working on PURE INSTINCT here, and as we all know: your instincts make you able to do ANYTHING
But this is also your Predator Mode, and this allows you to enter the prey's habitat: The Kitchen. You do now have two choices - will you go for the meaty deliciousness of last day's leftovers (Humans are no more than simple scavengers after a good night's sleep) or bacon'n'eggs, or will you go for a dry feast from the cupboard, consisting of oatmeal and muesli?

There are, as always, Pros and Cons involved with both choices:
MEATY DELICIOUSNESS: Making bacon takes time, preparation and, worst of all, dishwashing. Dishwashing, however, is something you can do after your energy levels are up, and your efficiency is at its highest. This DOES require that you do it immediately after the feast, and as we all know, this is usually not the case. Those spots of fat sure can be hard to get rid of after a couple of weeks! A cost/benefit analysis is useless though, as it is ALWAYS worth it making bacon, but the thought of that aftermath can be exhausting before you even start.

DRY MUESLIMUNCHING: This is about as simple as it gets - get some oatmeal and some milk, fill up a cupand suddenly you've got yourself some breakfast - AMAZING! But every spoonful of muesli is basically like grabbing a handful out of a mixed candy bag; you will get things in your mouth that SUCK - so what to do? I usually go Breakfast Pirate Mode - dig for those treasures! A bag of muesli usually contains about 500 grams, but the specific amount of certain items is hard to tell. Usually, it's 250 grams oatmeal, 50 grams of nuts and raisins and 200 grams of utter crap (yes, these measurements are factual and applies to EVERY SINGLE KIND OF MUESLI), so you have to dig DEEP to get those lovely nuts - the nuts simply are like submarines in a sewer, making you able to actually get through those huge amounts of shit. Treasure hunting in a bag of muesli takes luck and patience, so there goes the time advantage - and that's basically the whole point of eating muesli, isn't it?

Morale: Make that delicious bacon you lazy caveman, the fast muesli isn't fast at all!

Free Books/Micone My Love

Went to the library today, and whoa! I was thrilled to be back! The atmosphere, the people, the tension, THE BOOKS! I mean, if they got some DJ's over, I bet it could be a great place to PARTY!


But you know what the best part is? They're FREE! I could just walk up to the counter and say "Hey, give me all your books" - and I wouldn't need neither a mask nor a gun! The only thing I'd need would be a really big bag, and everybody would be like "Awww, that man is taking all the books", and I would be all like "hey, which one do ya want?" - and suddenly, I am the library!


So in my excitement to be back, ran through the aisles while checking all these lovely XXXCITING BOOKS OUT, I felt like they were checking me out... were they wishing for me to pick them up? Is there a hireachy among books?

Are there cool books like "Basketball Diaries", rebellious books like "Catcher in the Rye" and experimental books like "Finnegans Wake"? And which one would be the popular group? I bet the loser group would consist entirely of autobiographies, but the popular? If you were a classic novel, like "1984", would you be cool? or just plain old'n'used? like yo MAMAhahahaahah nevermind

And what about genders? If books have genders, then how can you tell? I think that's the ONLY place you can actually judge a book by its cover:

Hardback? You've got yourself a Penisbook
Paperback? This is also routinely referred to as a "Vag-Back"
And as I was finally heading towards the exit with a handful of Penisbooks, I agreed with myself that the cool books were those being actually loaned and read - therefore, I decided I'd better boost some of the neglected book's confidence; those forgotten and the sufferes of the simpleminded prejudice that hit those who are judged simply by the title and few non-describing words by an unknown "critic"... I would loan the saddest book of them allm, and finally make it popular! And as my eyes wandered up and down, read titles and glanced at covers, they froze instantly as they saw the saddest book of them all... I present to you, the single most unpopular book in the Kingdom of books, the Land of the Library:

Dammit, it needed love, and I wanted to give some; it was a perfect match... and I strolled nonchalantly back towards the exit, swiped the loaner's card, and was ready to... WHAT!? Loaner Status: BLOCKED!?

Dammit, poor me, and poor books... yeah, I should've paid those fines for "not returning books on time", or, as I call it, "just giving them some more love", but damn... I think that poor "Microwave Cooking for One" actually wept a little when I had to take it back to its lonely, lonely bookshelf, with the entire library pointing and laughing... If I were disappointed, I suspect "Microwave Cooking for One" was suicidal; I hope you're still out there, MiCone, and if you read this, then stay put - I'll come for you, and I'll loan the shit out of you.

The Anatomy Of Mastur... Procrastination

I've been increasingly indifferent towards this blog, and it all comes down to one thing:
Mastur.. Procrastination - why do it today, when you can do it tomorrow? Masturdammit Procrastination is the thief of time, consumer of productivity and murder of discipline - it's the heroin of activities, and the internet is the syringe. A defence for this act could be "the best athletes show grace under pressure" but consider this:

How athletic do you feel when you sit by your computer while sweating more than a sumo wrestler in a sauna?


Yet somehow, procrastinators put themselves in the same position every damn time there's something to be done EVEN THOUGH THE EFFORT REQUIRED IS EXPONENTIALLY INCREASING OVER TIME


I mean... what part of this simple graph is so damn hard to understand? - and please notice that the graph continues to grow AFTER the line of death, as this is the biggest challenge a procrasturba.. procratinator can face: finishing something AFTER the deadline - when there's no further punishment, the motivation is gone, and you can kick back while continuing the practice...

The practice of procrasturnating..procrasturb..promas.. DOING SOMETHING INSTEAD OF SOMETHING can be split into several stages:

1. stage - not even considering writing it
2. stage - still nothing
3. stage - nope, still not doing it
4. stage - hmm... what was I supposed to do? arh, later
5. stage - dammit, soon! ...but not now
6. stage - make some food, and THEN I'll do it!
7. stage - still eating
8. stage - wow, the internet, haven't been there for like, 20 minutes... what's new?
9. stage - back to stage 1

after continuing this cycle for 6-7 hours, nighttime has come, and the demons of the deadline will soon haunt you - you have now entered...

THE 10. STAGE - ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Word has been opened

11. stage - back to stage 1

HOURS LATER

12. stage - Writing process has begun
13. stage - Level up! - you realize the retarded amount of time wasted, and promise yourself you'll never go through it again
14. stage - you somehow manage to produce a decent product, and you've learned nothing
15. stage - back to stage 1

Realizing Stuff

You know that feeling of suddenly "getting it"? That wonderful sensation of realizing something?

I felt it just this other night, and it was strangely relieving, as I realized just why the movie I was watching sucked harder than Metapod is.


poor Metapod... no one wants to play Freeze Dance with him

So basically, my viewing experince went roughly like this:

Inserting (crappy) DVD into our (crappy) DVD player, and as I am unknowingly injecting shit into shit, I'm hoping the subtitles will be in Danish and the movie won't start at the special features (yes, this happens) as we're lacking the remote for the DVD player.

"Wow, thought this would be a documentary, but giving it fictional traits doesn't hurt, does it?"

"Dammit, it actually does"

"This is not a documentary at all"

"I think I'll lie down...maby rest my eyes for a secZzzzzz"

"Dammit, i fell aslee..wow, Bruce Willis is in this!?"

"Wow, what is Avril Lavigne doing there!?"

"This doesn't make any sense, I distinctly remember the name of this movie...waitaminute...

To my defence, Fast Food Nation sounds A LOT like Food inc.


























They even LOOK like each oth.. oh forget it

So, if having this brain orgasm is merely discovering we're wrong, how come it is so damn satisfying? And when discovering it, it's usually facepalming obvious? I believe it is simply because it just makes more sense - imagine what people might have felt like when they discovered that the Earth wasn't flat at all, but an orbshaped ball where the end of the world basically is the place you started. I bet they thought to themselves

"well... an endless fall into a pit of darkness, filled with indescribable creatures mixed up with some flames and eternal damnation MAY have been a bit over the top"

...I guess arriving at home makes a bit more sense